Family Guy – Stewie Gets Drunk


Brian:Stewie, What are you doing? Stewie:Huh? Oh Brian!Oh there you are ,I’ve been looking all over the table for you. Stewie:You know? I have to tell you. This stuff you gave me, was a lifesaver last night. I was out like a light, and you know normally Stewie:I’m up five or six times to scream and defecate, but you know what I slept straight through. Brian:Stewie, I told you there’s alcohol in that it’s not for kids Stewie:You’re not for kids. (Laughs maniacally) Brian:Stewie, you’re drunk Stewie:Brian’s all serious. I didn’t, I didn’t drink in the morning because I’ve got to land a plane Brian:Come on I gotta drive you to daycare Stewie:Ok. Ok. Its all right, calm down, calm down. Oh- Stewie:Oh, I think I put my shoes on the wrong feet. Peter:Is it 9:15 already!? Louis, We got to go! Stewie:Brian! Brian! Hold on One second. I’ll be right with you Mr. Duckford. Brian! Brian:What? Listen, I was just thinking “Let’s order a kebab.” a what? A kebab, but I wanted in this order: vegetable meat meat vegetable meat. And-um Mr. Duck ford would like some “cwackers”. (Crackers) Can I leave now? No! No! Bria- No you can’t. ah- Brian I need your help. I’ve made a series of small poops in my bath, and I need you to scoop them out with this fishnet. Yeah, I’m not doing that. You have to, you’re my Butler! I’m not your Butler! I know but It’ll be great of you. I’d be so happy. In fact the only thing that would make me happier is what it would be if this tub was filled with yogurt Can you can you get me some yogurt? Is the yogurt shop still open? Is this is a some place to dial up Yogurt? Stop saying that. What’s the best skin yogurt? You-you can prepare me a nice yogurt treatment. If you say like that one more time. I’m gonna drown you. YOGURT Ah- See? you’re not-you’re not gonna do anything. Hey-Hey Brian. Am I a good little guy? Come get-get down there you little brat- There we go Stewie, what are you doing? Being awesome. Whoa! Wait-wait you’re in no condition to drive. I’m fine to drive. I’m so fine. yo- I can do all the tests. see? I can touch my nose. I Can touch my head. Toes and knees and toes and knees and toes. Stop it! No you stop it. You stop it. Brian you’re interfering with my professional business. Where’s the radio? O O F *gasp* Oh god, are you okay? No, I don’t feel so good. We should probably exchange numbers. Okay, I’m a 10 you’re a 4 *dead* Oh crap! I should have known something was up when I saw those cars out front. Stewie, why don’t you come and have a seat with all your friends here? We have something to say to you. I’ll go first. Stewie, I remember the day you were born. I thought to myself, “Here’s a kid who’s got a white empty canvas stretched out in front of him” Oh, please. What- who- what is this? What is this the circle of perfect people? Who you to judge me? Mr- Mr. Giraffe who lets little boys grind on his rump! Mr. Octopus who lets little boys grind on his rump! Everybody you has your own problems. Yeah, but you’re the only one who almost killed a kid yesterday Yeah well That’s because I- because that kid- *crying* I know! Oh Brian! Who am I? I don’t have a call of my Sinuses are laughably wide open, but I have a problem. Good. Admitting it is the first step, but don’t worry I’ll get you through it. Thank you, Brian. You’re welcome, Stewie. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go to Chris’s room We’re doing a masturbation intervention. I got a bunch of his friends sitting in a circle in there and- Oh dear God!

About the Author: Garret Beatty

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