The Champions: Season 3, Episode 5

The Champions: Season 3, Episode 5


What happens when 800 of the world’s most elite footballers… and their managers live together under one roof? Players stop being polite… and start getting Re-al. This is… The Champions. I don’t call them free kicks. I call them free goals. It’s true that I sleep with all my hat trick balls. I have so many now I’m worried I might contract an STD. A Sweet Transfer Deal. Uh, hello! This was filmed two weeks before the air date, so, uh… could you let me know in the comments if I’ve been sacked yet? I score hat tricks like it’s my job. Wait, that is your job, though. Right. So that is good. It’s high time the media gave us keepers our due! Yeah! They don’t appreciate us! OK, OK. Yes, we all agree. But…we are moving on to new business. Uh, I would like to mention that sometimes our own clubs don’t appreciate us. OK. Danke, Keylor. Now, does anyone have anything that’s not about being underappreciated? I want to say something. I think that keepers should at least have the option to wear the same kit as the rest of the squad. Right? All right. Here’s my proposal. OK, listen. I know. I’m a Yank. But I gotta—just hear me out, hear me out. So, goalies should be able to wear big hats that can cover the entire goal. So, I mean, you could just basically sit on your butt, and your hat would block the whole goal! All right. Anyone else? I’d like to introduce a new motion. The chair recognizes Germany’s No. 2. I think it’s time we have a vote for a new president of the Goalkeepers Union. Don’t get me wrong, Manu has changed the game for keepers, but he needs to admit that he is no longer the face of the keeper position. I…uh… Is this the keepers’ union? Hey! No strikers allowed! It’s OK. I’m not a striker. I’m an attacking midfielder. Same thing. No outfield players! Get outta here, bare-hander! It’s urgent! I need to speak to you or else we’re all going to die. Why is that so funny? My dear Raumdeuter, do you think us keepers, for all our time in solitude, have not pondered our own mortality? No. You don’t understand. This is an emergency! If we do not act, Earth will be destroyed by Thursday. Oh, no. I have a match on Thursday. So, why should we listen to you? For those of you who don’t know me, I was a very important and relevant player until, like, a year ago. My name is Thomas Muller, aka The Raumdeuter, which roughly translates to space investigator or interpreter. It’s very cool actually, but… Get on with it, striker! OK. Right, right. Sorry. So I was investigating the space…like space-space, when I noticed something in the sky… a giant meteor heading straight for Earth! So what do you expect us to do? You are all the best in the world when it comes to stopping things from hitting their target, right? I’m asking you, goalkeepers… to save the Earth! So we are supposed to just fly up into space and, uh, punch a meteor? I haven’t…figured that part out yet. I have an idea. Who the hell are you? Andriy Pyatov. Starting keeper. Shakhtar Donetsk. I think I know how we can stop this meteor. Gentlemen, meet…ze gigantsky mega vratar. Also known as Goaltron. Goaltron? After the meltdown at Chernobyl, the Soviet apparatchiks proposed a secret plan to send giant goalie robot to ‘boot’ the reactor core into space. But the plan was ultimately deemed too stupid, and Goaltron was stored away indefinitely. How do you know all of this? I used to be backup goalie for Pripyat Roentgens. So how does it work? It is piloted by five goalkeepers. Four controlling each limb, and one in the head. That means we’ll need our top five goalies, so I’m out. Right. OK. Ederson, Alisson, you take the legs. Oblak, De Gea, the arms. And I’ll take the head. Um…I mean…I don’t know if you’re top 5. What? I’m Manuel Neuer. The original sweeper-keeper. Manuel, nobody is denying your historical greatness. But you’ve had injuries. You’re getting older. It happens to the best of us. But…who would you replace me with? Ter Stegen!? He can’t be the leader; he can’t even decide on a first name! Oh, and you’ll lead us into space like the time you led us up the field against South Korea? There’s no time for this. I will drive. Uh…let’s just go with the two Germans. OK, folks, this thing is coming in fast. We need to guess a direction. It’s coming left! No, you vollpfosten! It’s right. We need to dive right! I think we need to rush it and slide tackle it in open space. Agreed. Full thrust. I don’t know, boys. I think we stay on our line and get a better read on it. Yeah. Good idea. Nein! We need to press! Nein! Manuel, nein! You’re so a-neuer-ing. Stay back! Stay back! Oh…scheisse! Ugh, I hate when I have to be subbed. Unless it’s to this channel! Click “subscribe” button so you can sit and watch. Just like me!

About the Author: Garret Beatty

100 Comments

  1. Pause at 1:51and there is someone not allowed in the keepers union. When Muller is about to say "is this the keepers union.

  2. Where is leno????? I'm dying to see an Arsenal shirt in this. De gea also playing in the second tier of European club football tournament. Either way please dont stop BR FOOTBALL. The Champions is the best football show ever! Dont @ me

  3. Small things you might've missed:
    The "box" pub
    Est.1901, year keepers allowed to touch ball for any reason
    The only club that never strikes
    Kyle Walker is barman when Muller enters
    De Gea I have a match on Thursday (Europa League)
    "Block darts" board
    GKU helicopters
    6 fingers; tchernobyl
    Ederson, Alisson the legs (best gk w feet)
    Can't decide 1st name; "Marc-Andre"
    Lloris "I will drive" (former drunk driver)
    Petr Cech space helmets
    Nein Manuel, You're so a-neuer-ing

  4. This is the best one yet…the nuance of how the goalies pondered their mortality because they are always alone is top shelf stuff…

  5. Who da hell is the bald fuc in Atlanta jersey and how come he could ask "Who the hell are you" to the keeper who plays for S.Donetsk? I mean how dare does he say like that?

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